May 12th: When things started getting abstract...

I experienced a wide range of emotions during my stay in Amsterdam. On this day they were loneliness and despair.

I woke up knowing this. That it was going to be a hard day. Matthias and I had been trying to plan a camping trip and fit it in between friend visits, bad weather, and the exam/essays he had to accomplish. At this point, I had three full days left with bonus Saturday morning before my flight. We both hoped we'd be able to take off this evening and spend a couple nights up on the island I'd been looking forward to seeing. But, I slept too long and when I finally got up, I already felt upset for no good reason. Matthias had the curtains closed in his jammies at the computer typing away. I knew today wouldn't be the day. He was valiantly pounding out his essay though, so I pretended we were still going and went for a walk through the neighborhood to the south.

It was somewhat comforting to peek in the open window of all of the Dutch apartments with floor to ceiling bookcases, comfy rugs and families eating lunch or playing chess together. I wandered, took some photos, and wandered back. Matthias was still working and though he remained optimistic I went ahead and said it: "we're not going camping today." I felt sad that he had so much work to do over his break. I felt angry with myself for not realizing this beforehand and planning the logistics of my alone time to maximize adventure potential. I felt frustrated with both of us for not getting our act together sooner. It's difficult to pinpoint how I end up working myself into this kind of aggravated frenzy of self-criticism, but today was the day for implosion.

If we weren't leaving today, we were DEFINITELY going tomorrow. So Matthias took a break from schoolwork and we sat down at the computer together. I got out my notebook and we wrote down train times and prices, ferry times and prices, made camping reservations and borrowed a tent. This might have saved us...